The Kindness of Strangers

In September of 1990 I had my fifth child, the baby was perfect, but my future looked bleak. My ex, became my ex the week before I gave birth. My son was my second child in two years. My hormones were going crazy.

For months my ex put me through an emotional wringer. He had promised to spend Thanksgiving Day with the children, then never called. The next day my emotions overwhelmed me. I realized I could not remain on the roller coaster ride I had allowed my ex to turn my life into.

That night I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. Listening to other people describe the scenarios I had lived through, I realized I was not crazy. I had thought I was totally going bonkers! I felt infinitely better, but I knew by midweek I would be buried under stress and self-doubt. I needed to re-enforce the message.

I lived in a very small, rural town. I didn’t own a car. The daily Al-Non meetings were forty-five minutes away. A woman at the meeting suggested I attend AA meetings and apply the principals of Al-Anon every time someone said "One day without a drink." I was to think "One day without a drunk."

Starting on Monday and every day, after Sesame Street, I packed the two babies into the double stroller and walked to the AA meetings. My babies and I were welcomed with open arms. I remained quiet at the meetings, absorbing the strength the program gives to those who seek it.

Christmas Eve morning, my ex was at my door. He was drunk. To get him out of the house without further upsetting the children I walked him downtown, otherwise his girlfriend would pick him up at my house.

I left him waiting for her at the bakery.

The day was sunny, with a blustery wind coming off the snow covered mountains. I was agitated, afraid I would let emotions overwhelm me, I dreaded going home. Then a man from AA stepped out of the Post Office. He looked at my face and offered me a ride home.

He reminded me there are things in life we cannot control, especially the actions of others. My job was to take care of myself and my children. My ex was responsible for his own actions. I could not help him to quit drinking nor could I make him be a good father. He asked if I planned to attend a meeting that night or on Christmas Day. He assured me he would find me a ride if I needed one.

I felt better. The people in AA had been strangers a month earlier, but now they were my friends.

I had a network of people who cared. I felt whole.

I have since relocated to another state, but I will always remember that year. It was the year that I had the worst Thanksgiving and the best Christmas ever.

Material gifts are not what matter, not even to children. It is about caring for others. The stranger who drove me home talked to me when I needed it. I gave my children a happy day instead of moping. I didn’t go to a meeting; instead I invited people who were alone to spend the day with us. Good companions warm the soul like a fire in a hearth on a winter’s day.

The holidays are trying times for many. If you know someone who might be having a difficult time dealing with the holidays, please talk to them. Let them know that they are not alone, even when a person is surrounded by family, they can feel alone. Some people hide their distress behind smiles. Look them in the eyes and you will see the truth. 

When we give the gift of compassion it is the greatest gift of all.

Guest Blog by Jan McDonnell

My Christmas Love Story

By Jan McDonnell

            I was fortunate enough to have met my soul mate in September of 1998 at the age of 45.   I met Mike in an internet chat room shortly after my divorce was final.

            Mike and I spoke on the internet constantly, then exchanged phone numbers and talked every night for hours. It was an incredible experience to discover all we had in common.  Besides having children and both of us diehard Yankee fans, we had a love of family and tradition, and, being Italian, we loved to cook.

            We met in October, and immediately fell in love.  Mike brought me six red roses, a bottle of wine and a pizza.  Ah, a guy after my own heart.

            We saw each other every two weeks; oh, did I mention I lived in New York, and he lived in Rhode Island?  I took the Amtrak to Providence one week, and Mike would drive to NY the next time around.

            By Thanksgiving, he had proposed to me and I said yes without thinking.  I'd been married before for 23 years, and never felt the way I did with Mike. 

            We decided that we'd wait until my son turned 18 until I could move to Rhode Island and start my life with him. We married in January, 2000, bought a house, and settled in.  We were not only husband and wife, but he was my best friends. We could tell each other anything, and shared not only good times, but tough times as well.  Mike was not well, but our romance grew with time. My love for him only grew deeper each day, week and month.

            We bought a house together later that year, and prepared for our first Christmas in our new home.   We cut down our own tree at a friend's farm in Exeter, and set it up together, hanging lights on the tree and in the windows, writing out Christmas cards,  laughing, drinking wine and decorating our lovely house with love and happiness.

            I'd never really known what love was until I met Mike.  He'd do little things for me, things that may seem pedestrian and trivial, but he treated me with respect and with undying love. Our first Christmas together was unforgettable.

            We exchanged little gifts every Christmas, things like Yankees sweatshirts and caps.  I loved making a soup to nuts candlelit Christmas dinner.   He'd give me my favorite red roses, beautiful cards or love letters. I didn’t need much. I had his love and our lives together.

            Christmas Day was breakfast in bed, staying in our pj's all day, and just enjoying each other and celebrating our life together. 

            I would only share ten more Christmases with Mike.

            I'm not going to end this post on a sad note. I lost Mike in September of 2010, but our years together, especially our Christmases, are stamped in my heart for all time.

            Suffice to say, we filled a lifetime worth of Christmases into a decade, sharing our lives, and our love.

            He was my Christmas gift day in and day out, and I feel incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to share 12 magical years with him, ten of them as his wife, lover, best friend and guiding light.

            In the film, "Steel Magnolias", Julia Roberts tells the Sally Fields character something I'll never forget and always apply when I speak of my life with Mike.  "I'd rather have thirty minutes of something wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special."

            I'm thankful for those 'thirty minutes'.  They were beyond special and every Christmas memory is etched in my heart for always.

            Merry Christmas to all of you, and I wish you everything wonderful. 

Read more about Jan and love at:

http://www.bodaciousbabesbookbuds.blogspot.com/   

Thank you Jan for sharing these Christmas memories with us. You have shown us that love is timeless and ageless.